The Jem and the Holograms trailer nobody wanted

Jem and the Holograms was one of my favorite shows growing up. My mom likes to remind me that I said when I turn 16 I wanted to dye my hair pink. She was OK with this because she figured I’d come to my senses by the time I got that old. I had forgotten about this wish, and she reminded me on my birthday. She wasn’t too thrilled with my blue hair in my 30’s though. Yay adulting.

This cartoon was such a part of my childhood that when the Hub announced they were bringing it back in 2011, I watched it dutifully every day, then every weekend and yes there were a few 4am viewings. It has clearly impacted the lives of others in my age bracket and the #JemLiveTweet every Saturday evening on twitter using Netflix was a great thing.

So when I woke up yesterday and checked my email I was surprised to see the new Trailer was available. I figured let me watch it when I’m fully awake. I had my fingers crossed even though I already didn’t like the cast, they are far too young, and I thought Jon Chu of the Step Up franchise, wasn’t a terrible idea,  he did also direct G.I. Joe: Retaliation which at least was better than the first, But I figured I’d wait till I see some footage to really decide. So I watched the trailer, here it is below in case you haven’t seen it yet and I have some things to say about it.

You know what? Fuck this movie.

Meet Jerrica Benton. Still and orphan still with her younger sister Kimber but now it high school. I mean I get not wanting to do the Starlight House which was an orphanage for young girls but to age her down as well seemed odd. She lives with her aunt who’s played by Molly Ringwald. I bet she watched Jem when she was younger. Shana and Aja are also there as foster kids. Okay, I’m sorta on board so far. Then we get to see Erica Raymond played by Juliette Lewis. Bet she watched Jem too.

What we have for the next 2 minutes just increasingly makes me rage. YouTube star gets a record deal but she doesn’t own Starlight Music? The studio renames her Jem, her hair isn’t even all the way pink? What is this fuckery? On look band inter-fighting because Jem’s the star and corporate music reality. What wait??? when did I say I wanted the bad side of the music biz? Where are the Misfits? I need Pizzazz to come kick in a door and have a tantrum. I need the side story of Stormer who was really good friends with Kimber. I need a lot of things so when Jem says showtime Synergy I completely lost it.




Synergy is like "Wait I'm not in this?"

Synergy is like “Wait I’m not in this?”

I feel like someone said “Hey let’s make a Jem and the Holograms movie and make it like Josie and the Pussycats because THAT worked out so well. Not. That was a great soundtrack though. I still listen to it, I have the CD. I am old OK? They figured let’s age these girls down and remove the secret element of Jerrica and Jem being 2 different people. No actual holograms, so CNN can have a hologram but Jem can’t? Then let’s completely forget that the built in fanbase for this show is women ages 30-45 and instead market it to their daughters. FYI people my daughter was extremely confused by this trailer. So instead of being all excited for this movie I get this and it’s truly outrageous. Truly, truly, truly outrageous. I can feel the outrage every day just building over what they did to Jem. When life gives you lemons you burn life’s house down because this is not acceptable. We Misfits are pissed. Jem and the Holograms is going to come and ruin your childhood on October 23rd.