Transformers broke my relationship with Michael Bay

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I’m one of the few people who likes Michael Bay. This man always gets my money, he’s my guilty pleasure. So I went to see Transformers Age of Extinction with the family like a bunch of other people did opening weekend to be with my guilty please boyfriend. I walked out mentally writing him a Dear John letter. Michael Bay and I are on a break.

Transformers Age of Extinction Has the Michael Bay notes we are used to, lots of CGI, things blow up repeatedly for no good reason, guns, more explosions and slow-mo. Regardless the fuckery that is Age of Extinction probably can’t be match except for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie I have been pretending isn’t there. Nope not gonna make me look. So lets talk about why we are on a break.

Transformers4Cade-poster

Its his new muse!

Transformers Age of Extinction has a checklist of things that do and don’t make sense
Mark Wahlberg his probable new muse as a single father and inventor.
Lite Lens flare this isn’t J.J. Abrams here.
Slow-mo of transformer transforming
Slow-mo of people falling thru the air to be caught
Slow-mo of someone dodging a rocket.
Ships emerging from smoke.
Cool cars. Bonus check.
Gorgeous blonde Tessa the daughter who needs lots of saving.

Check, check, all the checks.

Then we have to acknowledge other Age of Extinction has…
Blonde girl’s boyfriend Shane informing her dad he can legally have sex with said underage daughter.
Plotholes the size of the alien ship, way larger than the usual plot hole size.
3 hours of film which should have been 2 hours max.
Long storylines that seem to make no sense before anything remotely exciting happens.
Far less explosions than usual which makes the storyline in its nonsense drag.
More talking less of that random building crash which was pretty enjoyable.
Dinobots who don’t speak, Grimlock’s name is never ever mentioned.
Kelsey Grammer being a rather crappy villain.

 

Grimlock transformers

This is all i get? Where is the love?

While I enjoyed the 3D and yes it looked good in IMAX it was still so much of the what is this fresh hell? Look the Expendables isn’t really about plot either and I can sit thru that without looking at my watch or listening to my teenager ask why nothing’s happening. I don’t know kid, I don’t know.

What the hell is going on in this film? Oh and shoutout to Hasbro who sticks in a Rainbow Dash, I still can’t get on the new version of My Little Pony though. i’m clearly too old and miss the “normal” ponies.

I just couldn’t make heads or tails out of the most uneven film I’ve seen in a long time. It.Is.A.Mess.

We need a break darlin. Call me when you come to your senses.